RESOLUTION REGARDING THE REPUBLICAN PARTY PLATFORM
WHEREAS, The Republican Party this year decided to forego the regular debate and process that goes into creating a political platform;
WHEREAS, The Republican Party decided to base all her principles on Donald J. Trump, his rhetoric, and actions;
WHEREAS, The Republican Party decided to also adopt their platform created in 2016; therefore, be it
RESOLVED, That the following is our de facto platform.
- Mexicans are drug dealers, rapists, and murderers per speech given by Donald Trump in June of 2015.
- The United States should shut down all access to Muslims entering the United States per speech given by Donald Trump in December of 2015. This includes Muslims who are citizens of the United States or were born here.
- The United States Postal Service should not be given funding. Such a policy is rooted in our deeply held position that fewer people voting is better for America. This policy was taken from an interview done by President Donald J. Trump in August of 2020.
- When a person is famous, that person can do anything to a woman per interview by Donald Trump in 2005. It therefore follows that famous people are exempt from the jurisdiction of regular sexual harassment proceedings.
- If someone’s daughter is beautiful, it is completely appropriate for that person to explicitly say that person would date her, per comment made in 2006 by Donald J. Trump.
- If a person holds a beauty pageant, it is entirely appropriate for that individual to go backstage while the contestants are changing, per comment made by our revered Donald J. Trump in 2005.
- Donald J. Trump is the greatest jobs president that God has created, per speech made by Donald J. Trump in June of 2015. He beats our formerly best Ronald Reagan. We ignore the job totals that came before during Barack Hussein Obama’s two terms because:
- Barack Hussein Obama having Kenyan heritage is not and cannot be considered a legitimate president per comments by Donald J. Trump throughout said non-president Obama’s two terms in office.
- Anyone with a darker skin color than Michael Pence, or anyone with non-European ancestry should be also questioned on birth origin including current Vice-Presidential candidate Kamala Harris, despite said person being born in the United States or not, per comments made by beloved Donald J. Trump in August 2020.
- Ariana Huffington is unattractive, and any woman Donald J. Trump thinks is unattractive deserves no respect, per comments made by Donald J. Trump in August 2012.
- All of President Donald J. Trump’s women are beautiful and anything Trump says is honest, except perhaps his ex-wives, sons’ ex-wives, or daughters’ unattractive friends, per comments made in 1999.
- Any woman above the age of 35 is not beautiful and should not be considered worthy of being married, as inferred by a Donald J. Trump interview wherein he said, “What is it at 35? It’s called check-out time.”
- The father of Ted Cruz helped assassinate John F. Kennedy. Ted Cruz will therefore not be invited to speak at the Republican National Convention.
Any other additional words that our Dear Leader President Donald J. Trump speaks will also be added to our platform regardless of whether they are contradictory to any of the above. Every new tweet will be our new platform.